Faith Ain’t Easy

This is a story about two Eastern Kentucky mountain women. One of them, Bertha Lyon was my grandmother. The other, was a lady I never had the opportunity to meet but heard stories of my entire life. Her name was Drusilla Lyon, my paternal great grandmother.

My grandma Bertha was my champion. She was my guardian angel while she was alive and I’m sure she has watched over me since the day she died 33 years ago. I have felt her presence very strongly during the times of my darkest despair and lowest faith. Grandma broke her ankle when she just a young girl and the doctors never set it right. As a result she walked on the side of her foot with a cane well into her 70’s when the doctors were finally able to straighten it for her. My grandpa told me it was love at first sight with her. She hoed potatoes, tobacco and the garden that she raised to feed her family walking on a cane and limping. The house she lived in with my grandfather was set into a little nook that had impossibly steep hills that rose on either side. They got it from a total stranger who had had enough of life in the mountains during the great depression. He fled giving them a start. She climbed those hills in all seasons gathering wood for the fire that helped her cook her family’s meals and kept them warm during the cold winter months along with the coal that they dug out of the ground.

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Joe Paterno

I’m a geek when it comes to sports. I don’t usually pay attention to sports until it’s time for a World Series, Superbowl or NBA Championship. I couldn’t tell you who won the last of those three contests nor do I care. My children laugh at my ignorance of their favorite teams.

Part of my aversion to sports comes from the humiliations and bullying I suffered during the horrors of gym classes in the 7th, 8th and 9th grades. I think I was probably the only kid in the history of Eastern High School to get a C in gym class every single grading period of every single year. I was skinny, clumsy and had zero self-confidence like a lot of kids during those awkward years. Couple that with never having a chance to practice any of the sporting activities that the other kids played made sure that I was the absolute last picked for any sports teams by my peers. I don’t remember the name of the gym teacher. He struck me as a meat head who was there to collect a paycheck. He could have taken a little extra time with me to teach me some things which could have made all the difference in the world as far as my attitude towards team sports went. But he chose to look the other way and allowed others to bully and tease me. He chose not to be responsible. However, I’m not embittered by those experiences. I find my sports outlets in other ways. I became a competitive rower and sprint tri-athlete. My sports just don’t involve playing with others.

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Take Me Home

Victims and survivors are finally starting to have the freedom to come forward with the voice that they have long wanted and most richly deserved. I would like to talk about, however, a group of people that have gotten little or no acknowledgments for the sacrifices and the shared pain that they too have endured as a result of sex abuse. I would like to talk about the supporters of survivors.

I have a supporter. Her nickname is Kate. She is my best friend.  Her words about me sum up what I hope that many supporters feel. She said one time about me, “It’s easy to love him, it’s easy to hate him and in the end it’s worth it”. In my opinion survivors’ biggest challenges are shame, fear and mistrust. Our attackers and abusers unload their own shame onto us and give it to us to carry. We neither want it nor deserve it. But once it is given to us, it is our responsibility, if we are to live as we were meant to be to deal with it. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. We didn’t ask for this. Someone who was older, stronger and more manipulating gave it to us. They promised us things, gave us things and threatened in some cases to keep our silence. We were the victims of a crime that took our trust, our innocence and our childhoods.

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Demons and Hope

Demons are a part of us. They are not our friends. If anything, they are our worst enemies and downfalls. They are the reason why families fall apart, survivors are accused of being liars and our own misdeeds, shortcomings and all out bad behavior is used against us. Demons are not our friends. They are not our hope or our heroes. In order to succeed we have to walk through them which means we have to clean up the messes we make. Messes take minutes to create and a very long time to clean up. We have to ask for forgiveness for the mistakes that we make. We understand that doors may be slammed in our faces. Coming out on the other end, we will have a clean slate for having made our peace with our mistakes and slaying our demons. We all have demons. They haunt our daily lives. We all have different triggers that bring them up like the “The Furies” of Greek Mythology. “The Furies” were the goddesses of the underworld that got revenge. But the name also implies self cursing. It’s the self cursing that we can equate to shame. Shame is death. It separates us from ourselves, from our higher beings and from our hope.

Demons aren’t unique to survivors. We run from them, try to bargain with them but in the end until we walk through them they will control us. They will keep us in a constant vicious cycle of entrapment and self defeating behaviors. My own demons have been sex, anger and alcohol. My fear led to anger, which lead to alcohol, which led to sex. I became a man full of whatever to get whatever I needed. I said and did whatever was necessary to deal with not feeling the pain of my own shame and lack of self worth. I have used sex and my body to get beautiful women into my life. I now know that was simply a performance. I felt I had to perform in order to be liked and loved by others. That led to anger and me eventually lashing out because I couldn’t keep the performance up. No one can for very long. I finally became myself when I defeated that demon and figured out that I didn’t need to perform for other people in order to be accepted by them. The people who mattered stayed. I love the quote by Marilyn Monroe in which she says “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you certainly don’t deserve me at my best”. I want peace for myself now.

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My father’s “Marry Christmas”

As survivors who give voice to what happened to us, we risk attacks from the people who want to keep their behavior silent. I’ve spoken at length about the cost of telling the truth in other blog posts. We risk being called liars, crazy and unstable. The following is an email I received from my father on Christmas Day. This is the third one this year. The first two were during my custody court proceedings last summer. it is my belief he was asked to send me those emails in an attempt to get me to react in a negative way that could be used against me in court by either my ex-wife or her lawyer. It is copied exactly like I received it.

“MARRY CHRISTMAS
L and I do wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. We also keep you on our prayer list that you would allow God to take the veil of darkness off your eyes so that you can admit to your lies which you so blatantly have spread like polluted sewer water. One of the things that amazes me is how you have used your lying lips to actually get those who would probably be deemed intelligent people to swallow line, hook and even sinker and you do it so convincible which in itself is a sickness that is astounding to somewhat like yourself who is deemed to be intelligent. Anyway, John, You will have to stand before a just God and give an account of the evil you have done. I must add that you also amaze me how you have such a fetish with people being enamored with your body parts with grandiosity that is possible unparalleled . I have had any desire to explore your or any other male’s body parts and especially those which I assume you have reference to.
God have mercy on your soul, John, you don’t deserve to bring the dishonor your are bringing on yourself. We still love you and will love you if you never turn from your wicked ways”.

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My Favorite Day of the Year

January 2nd used to be my favorite day of the year because I knew Christmas was 363 days away again and I didn’t have to deal with it for that long. It was a relief to finally be done with the holiday season one more year. I wanted it to be over as fast as possible so I wouldn’t have to deal with it again. If you’ve read some of my other entries, you know that I was sexually assaulted by my father on some Christmas Days while growing up. I never knew why I felt so dirty and empty inside when Christmas would approach or when I would start to see holiday decorations being put up and the season shopping starting.
When I was in the Navy and later, I would go into overdrive at work and working out when I would start the countdown towards going home to my family on leave. I would do my best to numb my feelings with sex and alcohol so that I wouldn’t have to feel. The loneliest Christmas Eve I ever spent was with a fraternity brother and his family in Los Angeles while I was going through E-2C Hawkeye School as a Naval Flight Officer stationed in San Diego. The operations officer, a universally hated Lieutenant Commander, wouldn’t allow us to take any leave during the Christmas season. I ended up in a bar in LA feeling emptier than I have ever felt on Christmas Eve watching all the other people there and not knowing where to go or what to do to feel better.

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The Cost of Telling the Truth Part Two

A month later, my ex-wife had me served with a motion to have all of my parental rights taken away supporting it with an extensive document that had lines from “boys cry too” that were cherry picked and twisted to make it appear as if I was emotionally unstable and dangerous. As a result of her motion, I did not see my children for almost a month until I could get into court and start fighting these allegations. When we finally got to court, her lawyer tried to paint me as a danger to my children and an emotionally unstable parent. As the summer and the fight started, my ex-wife hired a psychologist well known for her bias towards men to do a psyche evaluation for the custody dispute. When it came time to have my interview she was quite hostile to me and did her best to make me lose my temper even making derogatory comments about my facial features. My ex-wife and myself were interviewed at the same time by this psychologist and during that interview my ex-wife tried to suggest that I might be sexually assaulting our oldest child. This psychologist said, “I didn’t hear that” which was surprising to me. It is my understanding that any mental health worker who hears something like that has a legal obligation to report it. If she had my children would have immediately been taken away from me and it would have been extremely difficult to dispute those false accusations. This is one of the reasons why I am advocating to have Oregon’s Law HR 2183 made into a felony charge against anyone who falsely accuses another parent during a custody dispute in order to gain an advantage.
In court when this psychologist testified, she did her best to throw me under the bus and accused me of having so many psychological issues and diagnoses that it became comical. Fortunately the psychologist I hired was much more respected and his evaluation was more impartial and fair.

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The Cost of Telling the Truth Part One

When I first started remembering that I had been abused I was like most people who have been silenced by fear. I wanted to tell everyone about it. Looking back I realized that very few people except my therapist and those in a therapy group I was a member of wanted to hear it. I was an Navy ROTC instructor at the University of Minnesota at the time and when I shared what I was remembering with the Marine Instructor there, his first words were, “remind me never to let you around my children then”. It took me around two months to even realize how inappropriate that statement was and then finally became angry about it. At the time, emotional boundaries were a thing of mystery to me. My father had destroyed those in his abuse towards me. After only a year or so of therapy under my belt I was convinced I had to share it with the entire Navy ROTC midshipmen battalion so one morning told my whole story as I remembered it at that time. In retrospect was this the appropriate thing to do? The answer I come up with is no. It blurred the lines between my position as an officer in the Navy and role model for these young people and sharing such intensely personal details before I was ready to was a very risky proposition for me emotionally.
After I left active duty I married my second wife. I shared my history with her while we were dating and some of the sexual confusion I had felt as a result of being raped by a man. I saw it as an appropriate behavior with your most intimate partner. When we separated and started our divorce proceedings, I was a ground school instructor working for the airline that I eventually became a pilot with. She spread rumors about me having gay trysts with multiple partners in my workplace. My boss at the time called me into his office and asked me if I was gay. He was a crusty old air force pilot and wasn’t exactly politically correct in his dealings with people. I looked him in the eye and said, “I’m not gay but I’m starting to suspect my boyfriend”. After a beat or two, I started laughing. He did too and that was the end of it. Her behavior, however, created a paranoia that lasted many years after whenever I would have any dealings with my former co-workers in the training center or when I would go back for additional training or simulator check rides.
My third wife read my personal journal and used that and what I had shared with her to make our disagreements vicious and personal. Her behavior would become even more sadistic during an attempt by her to sever all of my parental rights with our children a few years later.
A year before I published “boys cry too”, I incorrectly shared the first three chapters of the book with my Assistant Chief Pilot to see what position my airline might take when I published it. When I went into her office to talk with her about the book, she asked two questions.
1. Are you a danger to yourself?
2. Are you a pedophile?
At that point, I realized what a mistake I had made and excused myself as quickly as I could. As I was about to publish “boys cry too” the fear was almost overwhelming for me. As far as I know I am the only man who has ever written in this much detail what sexual assault does to a life. I had no clue what kind of reception I would get as people got to know the most intimate details of my life. I knew it had to be published, however, because of the feedback I was already getting from former survivors and others who read excerpts from it. I originally started writing “boys cry too” as a memoir for my children. As I got deeper into the project I knew that in order for me to finally heal that I had to tell the whole truth not just the polished pieces that I wanted the world to see. As I shared it, the feedback was overwhelming in favor of publishing it for others to read.
Three weeks after I published “boys cry too”, I got a call from the same Assistant Chief Pilot informing me that she was grounding me for “family issues”. When I asked her what these “issues” might be, she was unable to tell me and came up with a litany of excuses, “I was mean to the crew desk, I was wearing inappropriate facial hair, I had had run-ins with customer service representatives, I had a mad look on my face all the time”. She told me I had to fly from my home on Long Island to DC to see the company doctor for an evaluation. It is my belief it was her full intent to get me grounded permanently so that I could never make a living as a pilot again.
After a 12 minute conversation with the company doctor ( I timed it) he declared that I had deep rooted anger issues and that I was going to have an evaluation by the head of Psychiatry at Yale university by an FAA certified psychiatrist. Any finding by this individual would be extremely difficult to refute. My union did nothing to help me. The union lawyer did nothing. It was only because of my effort that this “interview” never happened. I called her boss, the Chief Pilot and asked why I was being fast tracked to a psych evaluation with zero documentation from the company or union that showed I had ever had a problem with a fellow co-worker or performance. He knew nothing about what was going on and told me he would get back to me. Two days later, he asked me to meet him Chicago for a 20 minute meeting in which he commented that “I don’t know if this book is true or not but stop being mean to people”. After the meeting I was reinstated to full flying status and thought it was finished.
After the book was published, my brother threatened to sue me. My sister called and accused me of being a liar. The Eastern Kentucky Mountain family that I talk about so fondly in “boys cry too” asked me not to visit anymore. It was devastating to me to be abandoned in such a total manner by my entire family. In November of 2010, Oprah Winfrey planned a show with 200 male survivors in the audience. This was a first for national TV and I felt quite courageous on her part. After interviewing with one of the producers, I found out I was chosen to go to Chicago and do some interviewing early about my experiences. During the interview I was quite honest about my sexual acting out and this part was televised as part of the advertisement for the show. On the same day as the first commercial for the show, I got a call from this Assistant Chief Pilot telling me she was taking me off of a trip early so that a Line Check Airmen could ride along with the Captain to give him some training. I thought it was quite strange as these phone calls were usually handled by the crew desk.

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Alarming statistics around sex abuse

Here are some of the alarming statistics that surround sex abuse/assault:

1 in 6 men are assaulted by age 18.
1 in 3 women are assaulted by age 18.
When you extrapolate these numbers to the current population of the U.S. you can begin to see the staggering impact that this has on our nation’s citizens. (about 72 million Americans)

87% of all runaways report sex abuse as the reason they left.
90% of all prostitutes.
90%+ of all inmates report sex abuse histories.
65% of obese women report having been abused or assaulted.
Children of abused parents have a 75% greater risk factor for being abused unless the parent heals from this trauma.
Not all addictions come from being abused but an extremely high percentage do (90% plus). Sex abuse causes every addiction known to man. It is truly the root of most evils.

People who are abused are:
1. 3 times more likely to suffer from depression.
2. 4 times more likely to contemplate suicide.
3. 6 times more likely to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
4. 13 times more likely to become alcoholics.
5. 26 times more likely to use drugs.

Other issues that result from being abused:
Bulimia
Anorexia
Self Cutting
Sex trade workers (pornography and films)
Bi Polar disorders
Multiple personalities
Anger/Rage

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Where we are now.

WHERE WE ARE:

Efforts by groups interested in changing laws surrounding abuse have been used since 1989 with varying results on a state by state basis. The following terms are the most commonly used in efforts today in identifying pedophiles and abusers to local law enforcement individuals.

1. Window Periods – This enables a “window” consisting of a 1-3 year period in which victims of assault can come forward identifying their attackers and bringing action in civil suits against those individuals after the criminal Statute of Limitations have expired. The following states have enabled individuals to come forward over a time period from the late 1980’s till the mid 2000’s.

a. Minnesota, California and Delaware.

i. Minnesota in the late 80’s.

ii. California identified 300 pedophiles through 1000 suits filed during the mid 2000’s using this law. Approx 300 were filed against clergy of the Catholic Church while the majority (700) were filed against individuals having nothing to do with a public organization. Many times people think they were the only one abused by an individual. Pedophiles typically have 112-113 victims over a lifetime ranging over decades.

iii. Delaware had some success during their window period.

b. Activists in Ohio and Colorado tried to have window periods passed but were beaten out by lobbyists from the Catholic Church and insurance industries. What the Catholic Church and Insurance industry has successfully done is protect pedophiles and prevent the bigger majority of sex abuse victims/survivors from publicizing the names of those guilty of criminal sexual assault. The Pope in statements over the past couple of months has continued to show his refusal to take charge of his “ship” the Catholic Church and step up where they are concerned in this issue.

c. The Window Periods weren’t well publicized. I was in Minnesota when their window period was happening but had not had full memories of my abuse and never heard about it.

2. Discovery Laws – with approximately half the states having these laws this is an effort by activists to extend the statute of limitations beyond current lengths by starting the clock when a victim/survivor “discovers” that interpersonal problems were caused by the abuse they suffered in their childhood. (more than half the states use these but these usually only extend to 1-2 years after discovery)

3. OK/TX/LA/SC – Have instituted the death penalty for first time or multiple rapes of a child.

4. GPS tracking – 28 states. (Jessica’s Law)

5. Megan’s Law/Pedophile Free Zones/ Sex offender Registry’s – all states participate in these. They identify very few of the actual pedophiles in our neighborhoods.

6. A hand full of states have also changed their statutes to make sexual assault of children a felony that has no statute of limitations (KY).

7. Some states have started to add a few years to the age of 18. Still a problem when many times memories don’t surface until adult hood. Sometimes decades.

What becomes apparent from reading the preceding is that laws assisting victims and survivors of assault are sporadic and that despite massive efforts by victims advocates lobbying for Window Periods that the success rate has been dismal at best.

Where is the greatest opposition for sweeping law passage coming from?

1. The insurance industry – spent 1.36 billion on lobbying efforts for all of their interests (not just anti-window legislation) over a 10 year period at the same time they were earning 1.3 Trillion in income on a YEARLY basis.

2. Catholic Church – their arguments:

a. It will bankrupt us – their settlements (50/50 with the insurance companies) have come from the sale of unused office buildings, parking lots and parcels of land that have zero affect on their parishes.

b. We will have to close down parishes. (They rearrange parishes constantly due to changing demographics and movement)

c. It will reduce our charitable contributions to the surrounding community – they get 70-90% of their charity money from our tax dollars not contributions.

d. They have a formidable voting block (64 million members).

e. We have counseling programs in place and don’t need any further legislation – true but only for victims of the Catholic Church. We all know that a vast majority of survivors are not part of the Catholic Church and have this option closed to them.

3. Teachers Unions – they grandfather current teachers for background checks. They have conflicting agendas. When it comes down to either preserving jobs or protecting children they protect jobs.

4. Lawyers – the lawyers who represent these entities will fight tooth and nail to prevent Window Period legislation from ever seeing the light of day.

5. Boy Scouts – their greatest cry is that exposing pedophiles will lead to lawsuits which will bankrupt their organization. Recent judgments against them reveal the same cloak of secrecy that the Catholic church has used in moving pedophile priests from parish to parish in order to protect their identities.

6. Mormons, Southern Baptists, Seventh Day Adventists, etc. etc – every organization that deal with children or has children in it also has pedophiles waiting and watching.

7. ACLU – when it comes to them protecting the rights of children as opposed to the rights of adults, the adults win.

What is really needed most?

1. IDENTIFY IDENTIFY IDENTIFY – The places where our children are supposed to be safest is where they are being assaulted at the highest rates (home, school and church). The measures that have been put in place (Megan’s Law, Offender lists, etc. identify only a very small number of offenders). There is a far higher percentage that are never brought to light because of the limits that laws put on victims to come forward. These measures are the tip of an ice berg that remains unseen for the most part below water.

2. Pedophiles know that victims won’t come forward in the Statute of Limitations time when they can be prosecuted allowing them to re-victimize over and over.

3. Many times victims don’t have full memories of their assaults until well into adulthood, long after the statute of limitations have expired.

4. The constitutional aspect of prosecuting past the statute of limitations has been tested and has failed in the courts. The only other option is through civil actions. Except for three states (DE, ME and AK), when the criminal statute of limitations ends so do the civil SOL’s.

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